Moving in with folks

After spending 11 years in Mumbai on her own, Kiran Sharma thought quarantining with her parents in Ranchi for a few weeks during the pandemic would be a good idea. “The first month was great. I slept in, ate my mom’s yummy food and patted myself for all the money I had saved,” says the 34-year-old lawyer. “Then mom began to scold me for wearing the same pyjama for consecutive days and dad started nagging me about food habits. By the end of the second month, I was longing for my normal life.”

Like Sharma, many Indians in their 20s and 30s moved back in with their parents when the pandemic began. At the time, it was a choice between living alone without any human contact or heading home to all its comforts. It was a nobrainer. But a spike in Covid cases, offices extending WFH and financial insecurity caused by lay-offs and hiring freezes have forced many of them to stay on for longer.

And now, cohabitation with parents have to be navigated anew leading to significant adjustment and lifestyle changes. “Many find this a welcome change as they get to spend quality time with their parents, but there are challenges. Since both children and parents were used to independent lives, living together in pandemic conditions can cause clashes,” says Dr Austin Fernandes, psychiatrist and de-addiction specialist at Dr L H Hiranandani Hospital, Powai.

Here’s how you can adapt better.

Communicate


Cohabitation during this time requires profound accommodation — for parents who have adjusted to life at home without children and young adults who are used to complete independence. There’s also constant anxiety about potential exposure to the virus and dealing with loss of social contact, routines and plans. There is anxiety too, about finances, health and just the future in general.

“Good communication is key. You could also chat about your happier memories, use a lot of humour and give each other compliments to stay in a positive frame of mind,” says Dr Fernandes.

Respect the routine


Debalina Ghosh has been living on her own in a rented apartment for over 10 years in Mumbai. When she moved to her parents’ home in Kolkata with WFH, she admits there were some issues. “There is a routine that one follows when staying with family. It took me a bit of time to adjust to their disciplined lifestyle,” says the PR professional.

Sometimes, household chores and other activities tend to encroach on work hours too. One way to tackle this is by setting up a new routine and sticking to it. Be clear with your parents about your working hours and what you cannot do during that time. “Parents and children also need to discuss new house rules, unlike when parents made the rules and expected children to follow,” says Dr Fernandes.

Set boundaries


Establish the difference between communal and personal space. If you have your own bedroom, request your parents to knock before entering to give you privacy. Help them recognise that you have moved home as an adult. This means no more scolding for what you wear or eat. But do not push your limits either by blasting music into the wee hours or having loud Zoom calls with friends in the living room at midnight.

“Parents will treat you like an adult if you behave like one. You need to now consider each other as roommates and be ready to make adjustments that work best for both sides,” says Dr Fernandes. For example, if there is only one private room at home, discuss timings for each to use the room to talk to friends, have work meetings or indulge in some ‘me time’.

Debalina Ghosh took some time to get used to living with her parents

Do your bit


It is easy to sink back into childhood patterns, and let your parents take care of everything. But you are equal housemates now. This means taking on your share of the chores. It could be handling all of the cleaning and maintenance of the rooms and bathrooms, cooking for the family or making grocery runs.

For Andheri-based communications consultant Samaira Ray, moving back to Kolkata meant having to give up non-vegetarian food and not blasting Nucleya, Bonobo or FKJ on full volume. But she takes care to lend a hand. “While my work keeps me busy through the day, I try and take care of a few tasks around the house and reduce the workload. Even the simple act of making tea or cutting fruit for my parents goes a long way and makes them happy,” she says.

Learn from one another


Mehak Sabat and her brother Anupam only visited their parents’ place in Bhubaneshwar for vacations. Back home now, they are teaching their parents how to make the best use of the new laptop. “They are now busy with their friends on video calls,” says Mehak, a marketing specialist based in Andheri.

Children too, can pick up a skill or two: The recipe to that lip-smacking biryani, tricks to repair leaking taps or pipes or learn to set up a kitchen garden. “Parents and children should express gratitude for the time they are getting to spend with each other instead of bickering over trivial issues,” says Dr Fernandes. “They can use it to indulge in group activities, humour or play indoor games to re-establish bonds and improve communication.”